I am 4 weeks into an 8 week course called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, being offered by UC San Diego Extension. This course was originally developed by Jon Kabat Zinn at UMass Medical Center in 1979 as an effort to help people manage chronic pain and illness through the power of mindfulness, self-awareness and compassion. I am taking it in part to prepare for a class I am teaching this fall, and in part as a gift to myself.
I discovered mindfulness in the summer of 2010, almost a year after the birth of my second daughter. I was struggling- emotionally and physically- to recover from the sheer exhaustion of two babies in less than two years, the complete loss of my previous identify and the challenges of reinventing myself as a professional woman with an entirely new set of priorities. I had my first daughter at 35, my second at 36, and before kids (BK) I was able to maintain the facade of control that I thought was the main requirement for a successful life. As a lawyer and then academic account manager, BK, I could control my schedule, rely on my brain and feel confident that I would successfully GSD (Get Shit Done). With the onset of mommy-brain and the rigor of infant-driven schedules (insert laughter here), I no longer believed that I would GSD. In fact, I felt pretty sure that everyone on the planet could tell that I was no longer qualified to participate in the professional world. I was adrift, disconnected from myself and from the beauty of life.
Enter the happy discovery of a mindfulness retreat at Yokoji Zen Mountain Center, a buddhist monastery in the beautiful mountains of Idyllwild. The retreat was conducted by a skilled teacher, Beth Mulligan, and the entire weekend was about reconnecting with self through the tool of mindfulness. Simply paying attention to the breath- something that is always always present- in the present moment. Cultivating compassion for whatever the body is feeling, and being aware of whatever the mind is doing. That's all. So simple. Being ok with whatever IS, rather than trying to direct it. It was an introduction that likely saved my sanity. And it turns out, set the course for the rest of my life, as coach and teacher.
I attended the retreat again in 2011, and while I was in a much better place than the previous year, the gift of meditation was again that of a renewed spirit and refreshed body.
This past year has been an exercise in remembering to pay attention to the breath on a daily basis. For most of the year, I practiced mindfulness without the daily structure of a formal sitting practice, but with this class, I am committing to a daily practice. (Well, most days....) And it is a PRACTICE- I am far from perfect, but I am practicing.
So much research has proven the physical and mental benefits of meditation, and the relatively new field of neuroscience is providing the language for explaining the whys and hows of these benefits. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am committing to this practice for myself, as a gift.
Here is the poem I wrote in August 2011 during my mindfulness retreat. It applies equally to a daily practice or a weekend retreat.
The Gift
why am I here?
simply a gift for myself
time and space
to just be
to rest, relax, recharge, refocus
be still, let go
let go of the million small hurts
let go of the fewer humongous ones
the incidental, the inadvertent, the intentional
focus inward and be kind, be compassionate
acknowledge my fear, my guilt, my anger and sadness
and let it go
find my joy, my peace and harmony, my pure soul
and let it go
what could ever be so important that I would allow it to taint this glorious life I've been given?
meditation is the gift of myself, for myself
Every Day
How many other gifts can you say are really truly free?
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